Death of a Salesman — Why Being ‘Well-Liked’ is Detrimental for Society

When I was in Uni — my English Lit Professor shared this with me — his premise for the short story — Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller.

Great read — turned plays and many literary awards later!

One of the main premises was this — in order to be accepted in society or make great sales (via the character) — you have to be well liked.

That was it! And that stood out for me till this day. And this applies to many political parties and system as my Law Professor pointed out as well.

But, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say — hey you know what, I actually find this to be detrimental to society and personal development — hashtag GROWTH!

Here’s why!

Now when I talk about being well-liked. I’m NOT talking about being rude, brash, or arrogant for the sake of it. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Not characteristics or qualities. Or values or strategy. None of those.

What I am talking about is an idea that is a divergent from the collective consciousness or ‘norm,’ that maybe unpopular at the time when you speak it but it needs to be expressed, in order for society to move forward.

You can be diplomatic and listen to different sides of the story and points of views. Listen with empathy and compassion. To seek understanding first and foremost.

In fact, I encourage it! And I do my best to harbour these qualities as well.

So what are the fatal principles that I find in being well-liked as defined above, that is detrimental to society?

I would like to draw to your attention for reflection and/or review in your life’s purpose or work that you do or even with the people you hang around with the following view:

A — When you are trying to fit into a social norm, constructed by society perpetuated by favouritism — this system focuses more on what I like to call — prototypes. Prototypes are those that do not like the current system changed or challenged in anyway and in general, they usually stick to the norm because of control issue and lets face it — misery.

And what is norm anyway?

An agreed upon social system usually set by a few, many times principles or doctrines inflicted on society for members to abide by! GAG!

A norm isn’t a rule — it is usually something that is enforced upon, as a safety net, that prohibits evolutionary traits for the betterment of humankind. That’s what I mean by norm.

This then leads to what psychology experts call — homeostasis —if the norm is not challenged. Or what I like to call, stagnation.

Meaning, if you’re a divergent living in a world of prototypes and you do not change the current system or find your calling within it — then you’re perpetuating an existing system, paradigm or regime, that allows the current failing system or model to take over, and that’s not cool. That’s an actual fancy word I like to use when talking about politics — cool. Or not cool. Google it.

B — When you challenge the current system or norm. It may be seen by others as a deviation from the norm. Well guess what, it is! And I call these people, Divergent. Divergents are people who think differently. They diverge from the norm in order to create a better system. At first they are usually labelled as misfits, rebels or outlaws but you know what?

They’re actually pioneers, trail-blazers, visionaries, innovators and revolutionaries! You see it in business leadership, political systems, etc as those who we are known to — deviate (divergents) from the norm and create a whole new ecology!

In fact, when the divergents diverge, in time, this then becomes the norm. And from that new norm, divergents are reborn again. And this is what I like to call — Evolution.

Women’s Right, LGBTQ Rights, Civil Rights and Liberties, Human Rights, Animal Rights. You get the point. They were all divergents who noticed an opportunity or window for a more progressive society when the current system severely lacked humanness and kindness to all sentient beings.

C — Evolution is Revolution in Love. Let’s be clear — a revolution is a change in a political system or construct usually empowerd by the people.

A war is usually set up by political parties, lobbyist and dick swinging egoist. That too is a proper political term, google it!

The only reason people are weary about law changers or breakers in general is because it has to do with Ego.

Why Ego you ask?

Because Ego thinks if you change the system — it’s going to die. Or that identity is going to die. And so ego puts up a fight for a false premise of existence.

Like I advised a client a few days ago — You ain’t dying. You’re growing! You’re glowing. That’s growth! Move forward!

D — When we keep reinforcing one archetype in society to fit a current mould or personality or construct. This is detrimental for diversity or biodiversity. I say bio here because we too, are living, breathing, sentient organisms a part of a larger network or chain.

We are training ourselves to see one way of being for an existing position or framework of mind, when many can exemplify these qualities and I do dare say it — maybe even make it better. Improve on it!

E — All the above. Try it, it works for exams! No it doesn’t. Moving on. But wait, yet another point! — it gets boring after a while. The sameness of it all. People aren’t built for sameness because if we wanted sameness or agreements all the time we wouldn’t birth any new ideas!

I mean, why come out here on Earth when it’s ‘all done’ before we even get here. Right? Are we regurgitators of information or creators of it!

So, stand out! Because these are the qualities of leadership and innovation that propel humanity forward.

It’s what you do all day, everyday. What’s that thing, that makes you unique from the rest.

Remember, we lived in a world where to say the Earth was a sphere during a time when people thought it was flat was blasphemous. Unfortunately, a few seem to be heading back in this direction but you can keep moving us forward, shall we? Let’s keep moving into a higher dimension plane of existence.

Most of my best articles on Medium have been the ones where many would say are— unique. Weird. Divergent topics. And I believe, it is that unique expression within ourselves that carry us all forward. That makes us attractive and produces a genuine appeal and pulls people to be more of who they really are! Set by example.

F — We must keep pushing the edges of consciousness, the boundaries. Otherwise, new creation cease to exist. Because it wouldn’t be called creation anymore if creation wasn’t creating?! Right?

In fact, creation will always create, the downside is that it could keep creating more of that same thing. And if keep doing that same shitty thing, well you create more shitty in your life. Look that term up too, it’s professional.

What I like to do is — cross polinate. Meaning take two opposing discplines and doctrines. Get them in a room together, preferably drunk so they can at least talk to one another, and if they don’t drink. Tea.

And cross pollinate. Because well, those are the best ideas!

If you keep hashing out in one field or one particular doctrine, how does new growth occur?

I always did this in corporate world. Luckily I had an opportunity to hang out with the engineers, policy makers and environmentalist to learn outside my particular field and see what I could grow and learn from.

And you can’t push boundaries without challenging the current system or ruffling a few feathers. And usually people who don’t like doing this because, guess what…?

G — You’re too busy being a people pleaser. Doing your best to be well liked may cause you to compromise your own values and belief systems just to fit into an outdated norm or construct, instead of creating a new one and allowing innovation to take its course as it was intended to be.

Some of the most greatest decisions you have to make in life, may not be the most popular of its time, until it’s not, of course.

In time, you’re ‘crazy ideas’ are going to be seen as the pioneering scientists, innovators, mathematicians, channellers, poets, literary giants, and whatever field you play in, of this world!

And last but definitely not least —

H — When you’re too busy people pleasing. You compomise on your authentic self. When you compromise on your authentic self, you compromise on your values. When you compromise on your values, you compromise on who you are, because now you have to play someone you’re not in order to people please! Terrible, isn't it?

I think so.

If you can’t set healthy boundaries for yourself — it spills over into your other relationships and more importantly — your self worth.

So, instead of avoiding conflict, embrace it. There’s growth there for everyone whether they choose it or not. Focus on yours decisions.

Many times people who want to be well liked turn to people pleasing which compromises their own belief system and point of views.

Reputation is overrated. It’s a public construct that you created.

You’re a ghost in a shell and you get to paint the canvas. You hold the paintbrush.

What I have learned personally from my own experience is that I actually fit the quality of being a well-liked person! I know, shocking! Why the hell am I writing this article then!? lol

Because I’m talking about the form of well-liked where it is detrimental to society and most importantly, yourself. Because you are the creator of it.

Again to wrap this up, and I wanted to demonstrate these principles in my own personal life as well — Being well liked in a progressive live giving way is a by-product of honesty, authenticity, and real conversations. That, and a dash of kindness, a whole lot of empathy and understanding. You have a really delicious foundation for a really good cake!

I believe now, more than ever, thankfully, more and more people are cultivating in media and other outlets today, a more genuine expression of a public persona.

It’s a construct anyway.

And I think that’s pretty cool. Remember. High technical term. Google it.

Now I forgot one more thing which I wanted to add.

It’s kinda of a big one.

G — COMPLACENCY. As in, don’t talk back. Watch what you’re saying. I don’t approve of this — this is detrimental to society and that’s why people usually don’t speak their minds. Because we were taught that early on. But this can change and it does by how you perceive it.

Compliancy. Say it out loud, don’t you feel like you have to wash your mouth after saying that word?

And I’m not talking about standards here, or operating procedures.

So here’s the thing with complacency and I’m linking it to parenting and upbringing here because hey, we all have parents and/or guardians. Please note — this can and will change.

The one piece of advice I would encourage parents/guardians to do, is to have their kids talk back to them more.

Yes! I said that out loud! No I didn’t, I wrote it but I said it out loud too!

Why?

Because it encourages:

A — Freedom of Thought and Freedom of Speech.

B — Encourages kids to challenge authority figures and societal constructs and/or norms that are outdated or don’t work anymore — to at least question it more — the why we do things this way?

This way it encourage them start thinking to develop a completely new ecology of their own when they are given the tools and resources by active and healthy members of society.

C — As many conscious parenting books say — it helps kids think more autonomously and guides them to think for themselves. Of course, with your guidance and knowledge as well, Timmy pot hot, fridge cold.

We need to encourage this type of independent thinking behaviour early on to embed it in a foundation of happiness — these create happy seeds of growth. Nurture those seeds, send those seeds love, and may they sprout to the beating of their own hearts and bear their own fruits of happiness.

So with all that being said — be that voice that speaks out!

And honesty is refreshing, isn’t it?

As I say, I’m not here to be a divergent for the fun of it! It’s because my thoughts and view points tend to naturally diverge from that which many people consider to be — well, this is how it’s always been done.

But please.

Don’t touch an Indian daal recipe. Yet as I say that — my Dad did.

One day while mum wasn’t looking, he added a secret ingredient. And when mum came back, she of course knew he did something. And was peeved when she picked up the ladle and saw — ocra!

Ocra! Who puts ocra in daal!

How could you! She protested! This is blasphemy!

And then that same day, when we all sat down to eat this said dish. And we all watched mum’s response as she lifted the spoon with a green piece of ocra hanging out of her spoon and she took her first bite.

There, in the corner of her eye was a twinkle.

And she said — this is delicious. And the world gave a sigh of relief.

I have to say, I think many people seek that now.

New recipes. New ways of being. A blending of old with the new. A balance.

And it’s all in the delivery.

I do my best, as you can see, to utilize humour and terribly ill placed puns and stories.

The moment when my friends ask me, “What do you think of this?” Or “How does this taste when they have cooked something,” And I say — “look away! Fear not, for my face cannot lie,” — lol. I know many people appreciate that.

In fact, what I’ve experienced is that many keep coming back for that type of feedback and find it refreshing.

It reminds me of one of my favourite Law Professors — Norman Wardrop.

He hated it when people called him Norm. He said in class, he would throw your paper out if you spelled his name ‘Norm,’ instead of Norman, and if you didn’t staple the paper on the top left hand corner of the page with your full name and student identification number below it.

He was also, not very well liked. But a few loved him. I loved him.

Because he understood the principles behind divergent thinking and to wake people up in a unconventional method of slamming books on the table.

And as my parents, who were both teachers by the way, Pam the teachers that may seem actually really in your face care for you the most.

And now, I get what they’re saying.

That’s it!

Love is key!

And as trivial as this sounds, the best piece of advice I can give you or anyone in a leadership role is — be yourself.

Because people are looking for that nowadays. A permission to be their goofy, funny selves.

So go be you because you can’t get you ‘wrong,’ you’re the only you out there. And who better to do you, than you!

With much love,

Be Bold. Be Beautiful. Be You.

Love,

Pam

R-evol-ution is Evol-ution in Love. The very word says it all — backwards.